WHY WE HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME SAYING, “NO.”

Last week, I wrote about the most important word in ministry.  That word was, “no.”  It is a freedom word that gives us energy to complete our most important tasks, depth to our character, and heightened presence with God and others.  So if there is so much good that can come from using the word, “no,” why is it so tempting to keep saying, “yes.”

I love having in depth conversations with people about what really matters in life.  I love hearing people’s pain and disappointment and providing timely encouragement.  I love teaching people about God in a way that frees them to live without fear.  Yet, it is precisely because I love doing all these things in ministry that prevents me from saying, “no,” to people when they need me.  True confession: I love the feeling of being needed by others.  This feeling of being needed is not unlike a drug.  It’s incredibly addicting.

I bet that the reason why it’s hard for you to use the word, “no,” in ministry is that you are like me.  You too are addicted to being needed.  Being needed is the drug of choice for most people in ministry.  It feels good when others come to us for help.  We feel important.  We feel useful.  We feel helpful.  We feel indispensable.  And if we are honest about our motivations in ministry, it is the pleasure of this feeling that fuels our ministry efforts.

The danger of yielding to this addiction of saying, “yes,” all the time, is twofold.

The first danger of not using the word, “no,” in ministry is that we become self-inflated. 

We rationalize: How can our busyness and full schedule be wrong when what we are doing is helping people?  The reality is that our souls fill with putrid pride when we are addicted to people needing us.  We don’t live into our calling to give glory to God when we say, “yes,” to everything.  Instead, when we say, “yes,” to everything and everyone, we push God out of the way and take our seat on his throne.  We fool ourselves into thinking that we are helping people, but we are really stealing glory from God.  When this happens, our souls undergo decay at the same rate a meth addict’s body decays.  Our work as leaders is not to fill ourselves up with glory, but to empty ourselves by giving glory to God.

Our work as leaders is not to fill ourselves up with glory, but to empty ourselves by giving glory to God. Share on X

The second danger of not using the word, “no,” in ministry is that we turn those we serve from being dependent on God to being dependent on us. 

Even if we have great wisdom and wonderful encouragement to offer, if the core of our leadership isn’t pointing to Jesus we are causing people to stumble.  In Matthew, Jesus’ warning was clear about those who cause his children to stumble.  Jesus said in Matt. 18:6, “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”  Our work as leaders is not to create a greater dependence of people on us, but rather a greater dependence on Jesus.

Our work as leaders is not to create a greater dependence of people on us, but rather a greater dependence on Jesus. Share on X

The hard truth that we need to come to grips with is that we aren’t needed in God’s work.  He is all powerful, all knowing and all capable.  He is perfectly able to fulfill his plans all by himself.  However, the gift he gives us is an invitation to follow him in his work.  Our task is to discern what work God has called only us to do.  Then we need to spend the rest of our lives getting in on that work.  When we do what we are called to do, we bring God Glory.  We also help others develop a greater dependency on God.  Giving God glory and helping others develop a greater dependency on God is our most important work, and that can only be done by employing the word, “no.”

The example for us to follow in learning to use the word, “no,” is Jesus.  During one of his busiest and most successful times in ministry, Jesus chose to say, “no,” to all the people who needed him to heal their ailments and bring hope to their broken bodies.

Luke 4:42  At daybreak, Jesus went out to a solitary place. The people were looking for him and when they came to where he was, they tried to keep him from leaving them.  43 But he said, “I must proclaim the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent.” 44 And he kept on preaching in the synagogues of Judea.

As a recovering addict to the drug of wanting to be needed, it is hard for me to read this passage.  People wanted Jesus.  They needed him.  He was amazingly successful at healing them.  Yet, he said, “no,” when they tried to prevent him from leaving.  He realized that working more in this capacity would not give glory to God, and it would not create a greater dependence on him.  So, Jesus said, “no,” to the great ministry opportunity to stay.

What ways is God calling you to say, “no,” to good ministry in order to give him glory and to help others create a greater dependency on the Lord? 

• Do you need to ask others to preach or teach?

• Do you need to ask others to lead a ministry you are currently leading?

• What are you doing now (that might be great), that you need to stop doing in order to break your addiction to being needed?

• Do you need to leave your current post in ministry to go somewhere new?

Next week, I will write about how how to get clear on what you are called to do in ministry in order to be more clear on what to say, “no,” to in ministry.